Then it opens with a Ouija board rules without a board séance with plot devices, “You must ask only yes or no questions. And do not break the circle.” Can anyone else hear the CinemaSins ding? But honestly, I did not expect the twist that took. So maybe this movie is not as bad as the online reviews say?
Cue the 80's setting montage (in a 2016 movie) and we jump to present day, California. And now the classic house hunting single parent family, who conveniently buy the first house we see on screen. I want to see one of these movies where the first house we see is not the one they buy. So we spend that whole scene looking for a creepy moment, and surprise it’s not the haunted house. With maybe a cat based jump scare to keep things from being too boring.
Little boy, “can we just pick a house already?” Calm down, kid, you've only looked at one.
House has a smaller version of the house inside, because classy. Ding.
And cue the creepy occurrences; flashing lights, shadowy apparitions, and ghost that apparently only come in grey scale. So far nothing is set up well enough to be a successful jump scare. The attic seems no more haunted then the rest of the house, but we're obviously supposed to believe it's the worst of it, because there's antiques up there.
Dad literally just throws down a box of stuff to look at a pocket watch his son found. Meanwhile the almost legal teenage daughter is showering, and frankly her shoulders are more nudity then we needed. This scene added literally nothing to the plot, except to let us know, she's supposed to be the sexy character.
Living room is mysteriously trashed. Dad is the only one not swearing. Teenage daughter character switches from kid to wife mode instantly, almost like she go the lines of a cut character. Seriously, did no one question her jailbait portrayal in the script?
Pretty neighbor lady that looks kind of like the Dad's dead wife shows up, and is super friendly. Kids meanwhile are acting like zombies.
BLOOD EGGS!
Real-estate agent checks in on them, because this always happens in these movies. Has this ever happened in real life? Seriously guys, does it happen? She has no knowledge of the previous owners, but an unhealthy obsession with spirit photography. And how did the photos even get in the attic? Who developed the photos and thought these belong in the attic, not the police department? - The younger children are suddenly in distress while they’re talking cliché. At least it wasn't the trapped in a room or fell in the lake version of this cliché. This movie does get some credit for trying to be original.
Dad chews out teen daughter for not knowing anything had happened while she was in her room with headphones on, so she immediately invites her bad boy boyfriend over. Creepy half-naked make-out session mixed with failed jump scare. Honestly the ghost was more interesting then the romance, if we can call it that, though I'm sure if this movie has any teen viewers they were freaking excited, and then freaking scared. Does she have white star tattoos? Her conservative dad paid for that? Cut to a close-up of Jailbait eating a fast food hotdog since they can't actually show sex at her age, and aren't we all thankful?
Radio malfunctions, and dad confronts a ghost. Burn them! Nice and cryptic. But I assume she means burn the photos or antiques in general.
Internet proves the realtor should have known who owned the house before. It also reminds us of the fact the photos should not be in the attic, as they would never have been developed, or would have permanently ended up in the police station's evidence storage. Everything goes back in the trunk, and just encase it's not unbelievable enough yet, apparently the pocket watch is still ticking after all these years.
Music flares up again. But honestly I don't know what everyone was complaining about. . . this seems appropriated to the violence that happens right after.
Dad could have packed up the whole trunk, but no, he boxes the contents instead. Younger daughter interrupts, but luckily a playback of the séance expedites the packing process.
Apparently the son gets all the good lines in the movie, “Are we going to eat take-out every night?” Too bad he's deadpan all the time, which could be read as he's half-zombiefied, though most the reviews attribute this to bed acting.
Dad confronts the realtor over the phone about her lack of knowledge on the house, resulting in a HAL sounding reply, “Why would I lie to you, John?”
He comes home to look for his kids, finds a ghost first, then the neighbor lady teaching the kids about tarot cards. Everyone starts fighting. But she had cake! Still, Dad's cussing now too.
Antiques are not longer packed in the sealed box. I feel like this movie must be close to the end now. Neighbor lady comes back to apologize. . . and only now bothers to mention her father's stroke happened in the house when he was putting down mouse traps, because the city would totally hire a neighbor for pest control in this situation.
Grounded teen sneaks out to see her secret boyfriend. Wait, why did she have him come to the house earlier if he's a secret?
Everything in this movie revolves around the witching hour (which is the 3am version in this case). The next round of spooky paranormal possession stuff starts out fine, but ends up coming off as silly. Off-screen violence, just in time for the teenager to get home, and not notice anything is happening. . . again. . . but then gets up to check on everyone anyways, because she's suddenly switched back into mom mode.
Burn the trunk. She's surprisingly strong for her build. Trunk contents catch fire way too easy. Even stuff that's supposed to burn, doesn't catch fire like that. But finally, it's over. . . or is it?
Cue the weird credit music.
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